Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
