I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
