It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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