Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
