Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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