The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize