Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
