i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
