I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
