i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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