my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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