My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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