why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
