He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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