Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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