Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
