I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
