Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
my liver is dry heaving
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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