I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
