I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
