I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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