Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
