Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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