He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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