A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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