8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
