my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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