I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
