So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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