I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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