I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize