take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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