bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
