Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
