I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
