She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
