??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
