oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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