I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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