Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
