I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
