it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
