Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
