my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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