i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
