i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
