My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
