weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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