Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize