Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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