just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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