I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
