When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
