How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
