Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
