yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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