I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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