the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
