so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I will pee on everything he values.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
