My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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